An old poem

I found this poem in a journal I was reading.
I liked it, and thought I would share.
P.S. Something about me- I love endings with a twist.


Your embrace is my fortress
Protecting my from all
With your words
I stand or I fall
Your negligence
Is my heartache
Your attention
Make my world quake
Your absence
Is to my disdain
Your presence
Kills all the pain
The reason I love you
Is that you make me feel
Something I seldom do
Save for when I'm with you

But the terrible part is
That my love
Shouldn't be his.

Disappointment.

You know the feeling of a little kid who works for months on their ballet recital and then, opening night, the minute they hit the stage, they look out for mom or dad and can't wait to show their parents what they've done and then... Nothing.
There's no one sitting in the seats they saved.
There's no smiling parent, gleaming with pride.
There's no video recorder. No flashing cameras.
Just... Empty space.

I'm much older than a little kid, but sometimes, it's hard not to feel that terrible emptiness of disappointment... when all your hard work takes the back seat to everything else in life.

Sorry that's so terribly "emo kid" of me.

Stay rad,
Riley.

Deployment

What does that word actually mean?
Merriam Webster says that it means

1

a : to extend (a military unit) especially in width b : to place in battle formation or appropriate positions

2

: to spread out, utilize, or arrange for a deliberate purpose <deploy a sales force> <deploy a parachute>


But to me, it means goodbye.
Fare well.
Good luck.
Don't die.

So, to that one that is more to me than I think he knows, that is a friend and a savior and a mentor and a shoulder and a voice and a philosophy major and an English major and a history major and a secret barber shop quartet member and a driver home of random adolescents:
You promised me you wouldn't get shot in the face.
And I'm holding you to that.
And in the ways that you understand, I love you. Stay safe.

Stay rad,
Riley

Vulnerability

If you're anything like me, this'll make perfect sense:

Vulnerability...
It's the hardest thing for some people to deal with. It's my biggest problem- the desire to be strong, invulnerable on the surface. Why do I do it? I don't want to "bother" people with what's on the inside. I could NEVER be vulnerable, never. Because when you build a nicely thought out wall around your true emotions, you "save" yourself from being hurt. Because it's so easy to pretend that that wall will protect you from getting hurt- from letting someone in, letting them see the TRUE, the RAW you, and leaving. But it never works. Never. You're going to have to let someone in, you're going to have to get hurt. If you don't, you'll end up with no one and nothing but a fake smile and a whole hell of a lot of pent up emotion.

If you let someone in, all the times you're not getting hurt (which is very rarely), you're doing so good. Because you don't have to worry about how you're acting and you don't have to concentrate on pretending to be 100% wonderful all the time, you just have to BE. So here are some tips about dealing with vulnerability:

Don't try to be strong all the time. Don't pretend you're superman. Don't pretend you can do it all. Don't paste a smile and say you're fine and go on. Don't sit and listen and never take the chance to speak. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's NOT a good idea. You can't always put yourself last- it's not kind, it's stupid.

It never works out. And I promise, you'll be left crying at night with no one to listen because you listen to them, so much so that they can't listen to you. And when you break, they get terrified that the strongest thing in their life is broken.

So, it's OKAY to be vulnerable.
It's okay to say you're in pain.
It's all okay.
Because once you stop being "strong", you start living.
And once you start living, you can be more of a help to everyone and, more importantly, YOURSELF, then you ever imagined.

Remember that.
Stay rad,
Riley

P.S. If this helps, let me know. Maybe we can talk about it.

Blame.

It's so easy to blame other.
Or to blame yourself.
When honestly, blame is such a fruitless thing.
It doesn't fix the problem.
It doesn't find a solution.
It doesn't reverse the problem from ever happening.
All it is is a stupid waste of time.
And all it causes is more problems.
Guilt.
Pain.
Anger.
So, think not about passing the blame, receiving blame, etc. It's just a waste of energy.
You need to think about getting the situation fixed.

It'd be so easy to blame you.
Or it'd be so easy to blame me.
But all in all.
We're both blame free.

Think about it, act on it, tell me about it.

Stay rad,
Riley

Disappearing

Of the face of the earth for a while.

Just try it.

You'd be surprised how good it feels.

P.S. That means you can't check your facebook, twitter, blog, email, voicemail, or texts.

That means you can't see anyone.

That means that you've got to go do SOMETHING

or NOTHING

But tell NO ONE

It's awesome.

Family

What do you do when they betray you?

Pain

Tell me what you think of it. Is it actually a real thing? Or is it just a warped sense of mind? Can you control it? Or merely put on a very convincing mask and lie through a pretty smile?
What do you think.
I think- I know it can be masked. All it takes is practice and patience.
Stay Rad,
Riley

Friends

so a comment by David (http://thattheologystudent.blogspot.com/) got me thinking about friendships. I Don't think we're alwaYs goOd friends to the people we love. think about it- do yoU always call when your friend says they're only having an oKay day? or are you too "busy"? i kNow that there are a lot Of times when i am. i lose sight of who i love because of all things in the World that I don't love. And tell Me- do you know what terrifies your friendS? do you know how to make them feel better? i know that i don't always know what to do. beCause there's this silly problem thAt each and eveRyone of us havE. it's calleD being human. which means that it's okay to not always be there, it's okay to mess up, because if you didn't mess up, you'd have no stories, no memories, no ideas, no semblance of right and wrong, and no joy. if you didn't mess up you wouldn't be you. and honestly, you are what attracts friends. so try your best, but that's all you can do- try your best. so don't sweat the little things, don't sweat the things that you can't fix. all that's going to cause is worry. you're perfect, just the way you are.

stay rad,
riley

P.S. Did you find my secret?

So I told you I have a secret...

So look out in the next few posts... you'd be surprised the secrets I'll hide.
Stay rad,
Riley