"I feel like I don't even know you anymore"

You know, it's funny. I feel like I don't know me either. You are right, something changed in me. Something snapped. Right around the time that the nerve disorder came back. Something changed in me. Something snapped. I like being a kid again. I play Pokemon and do dumb things. I act immature and laugh too much. Something changed in me. Something snapped. Some hatred of my stolen innocence made all the innocence in the world come back. Something changed in me. Something snapped. I'm changing my circle of friends so I can get myself back. I like swinging and laughing and acting really weird. I like not caring and not sharing and testing my limits. Something changed in me, something snapped. I messed up one too many times for Sophie to ever trust me back. And honestly, I feel bad. But only a little. I realize that I am human and that is my flaw.

Something changed in me, something snapped. Something in my mind will never go back.

So maybe I'm not as mature in your eyes, but in mine, I am much more. I've given up on growing up and decided to be a kid. I've decided to find that last bit of naive love, that last joy, that last hoby, that last favorite toy. Some may call me ignorant, but I am not as ignorant as I seem. I am pretty good at understanding everything. I just know that there's a point where it's better to be happy and know than sad and sure. I have found the point where I am healthy and I am whole. And maybe that means telling someone off. Maybe that means not being the boss. Maybe that means that I mess up too much.

But at least I know how to love myself enough.

I think I might know the meaning of life

Maybe, just maybe, it's that all the conventional wisdom and knowledge out there is nothing but nonsense, and the real truth, the real thing you need to learn about life, the real reason we are here is for us to make mistakes. It's for us to feel pain and feel joy and FEEL and learn right and wrong and mess up and then GROW from it. The real meaning of life- life is a game. A game of trial and error until it's your time to go. LIFE is practice. It is trying something new. It is taking a risk even if it might end badly. It is learning and trying and feeling and needing and receiving and giving and sharing and caring and being cared for. Life is one big chance. Life is MEANT to be hard, it is meant to have times where all else fails, where you are at the lowest of lows. Life is that low, but it is also the highest of highs- the high from retreat or from a first kiss with the person you love. Life is all the mess ups and scars and bandaids and duct taped wallets and work and troubles and rewards and suffering and relief.

The meaning of life is just to do it, to learn from it, to grow from it, until the time comes when you've learned all you need to know and you get to go back home.

And the only way that you can ruin it is by giving up and deciding that you have learned all you can before your time has come and remaking the same mistake over and over and not learning a single thing. That's the ONLY time you can say that your life is bad, that it is ruined.

Think about that.

Stay rad,

Riley

Levi

"As he lets the sand filter through his hand it clumps in the puddle of tears he's sitting in and we whisper in unison 'God, I must have bummed you out again.' And I love this rainy weather, it reminds me of so many beautiful memories. And just like you said to me, the times that I cry are the times that I feel the most so if I find another secret to hide, you will never know. I want to feel like I can maintain control and if I let it all out then I'm gounna have to bare my soul. All I want is a hand to hold onto. No, no, no, no. All I want is for you to heal my dad's back- why is that so hard for you to do? I HATE this rainy weather, it reminds me of being a kid, when I would trust without question, and aren't there so many questions? Why are there so many questions? GET OUT OF MY HEAD."

So there's this poet who calls himself Levi the Poet, and this kid, this man, this soul is something unique. He's a force to be reckoned with. This kid, this man, this soul writes poems that mean so much and so little at the same time. His poems, you fall into them. You start with one listen, and maybe it's a little weird that he screams, and then you listen to another, and then another, and then you buy his CD. He incorporates his message in his intonation, his volume, his breathing. His words are scary, if only because they are terrifyingly true. And his words are holy as well. You hear God moving through him, and it isn't the God that we find in a magazine, a God who wears rosaries as jewelry, it isn't a God who reads his vocation off a piece of paper, but the God that truly shines through him is a God who is so true and passionate and lovely that you can't help but want to pray for yourself so that maybe your sufferings will pay off one day like his did. His poems are not happy, easy, or fun. They are true. And full of God.
And I don't know how he does it, but I have such respect for him. And the respect I have found for Levi through his poetry is something I've only found in one other person in my life.
And that's why I am going through a Levi obsession. Please understand.

My glorious

This one's for you, Devon. (This is what I was singing in Math).

Complaints

Everyone has their fair share of things to complain about. And you know what, it is perfectly HEALTHY and even what I would define as GOOD FOR YOU to complain. But there's this catch about complaining:

As much as you need to do it, you have to do something ELSE as well, you need to work on it. If all you do is complain again and again, not only will people get tired of listening, but all you're doing is digging yourself a whole to fall in. The more you complain, the more excuses you give yourself, the worse listener you become, and the more depressed you become.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it is good to complain. It is NECESSARY. But the catch is that you need to DO something with your complaints- if you're upset that you said something mean to a friend, then go say SORRY to that friend. If you're complaining that your back hurts (ahem ahem) go tell your parents to (excuse the profanity) fucking shut up and take you to a doctor (even though I know you have tried, my friend). If you don't DO anything, then you're useless. If all you can do is complain, then you have failed yourself. That is the truth.

And as for complaining about things that you can't control, well, that's just ridiculous. That is plain dumb. That is not only inappropriate but detremental, because it is a worry/complaint that you can't fix, and therefore shouldn't worry about.

And I am not saying don't CARE. But there is a diffence between CARING and complaining/worrying.

So remember that.

If you want to complain, you have to be willing to take action to right the problem.
Otherwise, what is the use in complaining at all??

A little bitter, but true.

Stay Rad,
Riley

Goodmorning Sunshine

It's a pleasure to feel you today.
So I know I haven't posted anything on this blog for almost two months, but I mean, for a while of it I was in the hospital, and after getting OUT of the hospital I had some crazy make up work to do.
And I made mistakes and I hurt friends and I made things right and I helped friends, but most importantly I decided to go on retreat this past weekend.
And let me tell you.
I don't know if you've ever been on a retreat, I don't care if you're Christian or not. Retreat is something you can't miss. A retreat is like literally getting away from all of the LIFE you're dealing with and finally living. You get to hit the reset button.
And so I know that I'm pretty sure none of you who follow me are Catholic (besides Dev Dev), so I don't expect you to get this. But there's this thing we crazy Catholic's do called adoration. And do cut out all the complicated theology and explanations of transubstantiation that can take hours, I'm going to get down right to the root of it. We believe that we are literally siting in the presence of God and it is NOTHING but awe inspiring. And that's where my reset began. That's where I could finally say, alright God, I'm not living this the way I need to be. I'm not acting the way I should. What do you want me to do? And you know what? God told me a whole lot. But one thing that is an undeniable truth that can go for any religion or lack there of is something that I was graced with learning: Are you sure you're actually living?
Because I realized I wasn't. So I wanted to take this chance to challenge you all. Look at your life.

Are you sure you're actually living?

I may have been featured

For my ridiculous texts.....

They're average.