"I feel like I don't even know you anymore"

You know, it's funny. I feel like I don't know me either. You are right, something changed in me. Something snapped. Right around the time that the nerve disorder came back. Something changed in me. Something snapped. I like being a kid again. I play Pokemon and do dumb things. I act immature and laugh too much. Something changed in me. Something snapped. Some hatred of my stolen innocence made all the innocence in the world come back. Something changed in me. Something snapped. I'm changing my circle of friends so I can get myself back. I like swinging and laughing and acting really weird. I like not caring and not sharing and testing my limits. Something changed in me, something snapped. I messed up one too many times for Sophie to ever trust me back. And honestly, I feel bad. But only a little. I realize that I am human and that is my flaw.

Something changed in me, something snapped. Something in my mind will never go back.

So maybe I'm not as mature in your eyes, but in mine, I am much more. I've given up on growing up and decided to be a kid. I've decided to find that last bit of naive love, that last joy, that last hoby, that last favorite toy. Some may call me ignorant, but I am not as ignorant as I seem. I am pretty good at understanding everything. I just know that there's a point where it's better to be happy and know than sad and sure. I have found the point where I am healthy and I am whole. And maybe that means telling someone off. Maybe that means not being the boss. Maybe that means that I mess up too much.

But at least I know how to love myself enough.

I think I might know the meaning of life

Maybe, just maybe, it's that all the conventional wisdom and knowledge out there is nothing but nonsense, and the real truth, the real thing you need to learn about life, the real reason we are here is for us to make mistakes. It's for us to feel pain and feel joy and FEEL and learn right and wrong and mess up and then GROW from it. The real meaning of life- life is a game. A game of trial and error until it's your time to go. LIFE is practice. It is trying something new. It is taking a risk even if it might end badly. It is learning and trying and feeling and needing and receiving and giving and sharing and caring and being cared for. Life is one big chance. Life is MEANT to be hard, it is meant to have times where all else fails, where you are at the lowest of lows. Life is that low, but it is also the highest of highs- the high from retreat or from a first kiss with the person you love. Life is all the mess ups and scars and bandaids and duct taped wallets and work and troubles and rewards and suffering and relief.

The meaning of life is just to do it, to learn from it, to grow from it, until the time comes when you've learned all you need to know and you get to go back home.

And the only way that you can ruin it is by giving up and deciding that you have learned all you can before your time has come and remaking the same mistake over and over and not learning a single thing. That's the ONLY time you can say that your life is bad, that it is ruined.

Think about that.

Stay rad,

Riley